I was going to write this down last night when I was at peak hysteria. My anxiety at night hit a new high. I know its because I’m working through some very intense, repressed, poppycock that just takes over my body and sends me into this water boarding chamber. My mind is in this vice of horrid memories and all I want to do is throw up.
Everything tastes like chlorine today. It makes me paranoid when everything tastes weird. I think, wow I must be having a stroke. No, no, no. I’m just paranoid. Oh great, now I’m paranoid, god do i need to call my psychiatrist? no, no, no I can do this. I can figure this out. I have the anti-psych meds lying around here somewhere.
I decided to take propanol, last night. its a beta blocker, which literally slows my blood pressure down. Combined it with some bendaryl and my long list of self soothing techniques that are rarely useful and I managed to sleep.
But today I’m still shaking a bit. I think I’m worried about my finances. I’m on this teeter totter of disassociation…too much overthinking/prodding/analyzing/obsessing leaves me unattached to the world and I go somewhere else. I forget that I live where I’m living. My brain de-attaches from my body. I fight to be here.
I get upset when I don’t have a project or a deadline that has a sense of urgency. It really keeps this sense of doom at bay. But in all honesty, I know that this feeling will past. A lot of it is just I’m working through core issues of relationships, connecting with others, authenticity, and how to be a functional human. Unfortunately my body must endure the stress as my mind does this killer regiment of coping and developing healthy habits.
I hate how I feel when I’m panicked. It’s like hot stones burning my body, sitting on my chest, preventing me from breathing. I’m drowning on air. My skin crawls with loathing and fear. It’s not something you should ever experience.
It’s weird, earlier today I was really enjoying how beautiful the world is outside. I think I just need to resolve this garbage in my head.
Let me tell you, I’m coming to terms with my vulnerability. With the fact that I have deficiencies–especially when it comes to interacting with others and relationships. Surviving my dysfunctional family system rendered me handicapped in several aspects and I’m super insecure about it. I’ll talk more about this later, trust me.
But i’m trying to remind myself–there is nothing wrong with me.
Because who the fuck can tell me other wise.
also, I am who I am because of this shit. Resilient. Empathetic. Loving…Experienced.
I just wish my body would calm down from such valid yet annoying concerns.
It’s going to be ok.
It’s going to be ok.
It’s going to be ok…
don’t forget your mantras.