how stupid is it?

I know what I’m anxious about. I know what has me tied up in knots, leaving panic soaked stains wherever I go. It’s so foolish and silly and stupid. But it speaks to my history.

See I was told I could never love and be loved. Both via environmental messaging, but also from experience and direct interactions. Those early instances in my life where I was trying to honestly love someone has always landed me in some horrible shit. It sucks. Because love shouldn’t do that.

Also, my family’s version of love was sex and screaming. Sex and berating, belittling, antagonizing, hostility, cruelty and more sex.  So my version of love never seemed to fit.

I grew up in a super hypersexualized environment. I’ll talk about that soon enough.

see I get giddy and flushed and I want to give the person I love the whole world. Everything. My best friends know me as an incredibly loving, giving person. My love language is I give to those I love and I like to receive acts of service. Just fYI.

it just gets so tricky when I’m attracted to someone and then I don’t know what to do. I’m missing that manual of social etiquette. See I used to think–hey let’s have sex and then we’ll be together, because that’s how it works right? or hey, lets fight and then have sex and we’ll be together right? That’s all conditioned thinking that really doesn’t make sense for me. But it was how I perceived loving worked…

Anyways, you should know that I really love someone right now. I hate that I used the word “love”. But I’m going to. See this person knew me before I was raped and we connected on this level that was both natural and exciting. Now they’re back in my life again and truth is, I never stopped thinking about them. They we’re my dream that I escaped to. The one good, brief, moment of connection I had before the world got dark and scary..again.

Ya, anyways, I’m freaking out because I’m in love with a person that really shouldn’t have that much significance in my life. I’m freaking out because I’m fighting all this negative beliefs that I have telling me I can’t love, and I’m freaking out because I don’t want this person to reject me.

Yet if they did reject me…at least that would be comfortable and I’d be used to it. So gotta make sure I don’t self sabotage.

I guess I just wish I could tell them how much I love them.

All righty, feeling a bit better already.



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