nope

I spent most of the day in bed, sleeping. My body hurts all over. See last night I overwhelmed the person of my affection with too much attention/annoyance/irritation/bothersome idle noise and they told me to chill out and I was being too much. It was a good boundary that they were setting, because I don’t know how to read all social situations. I’m very adolescent in that sense, as I never had boundaries growing up.

anyways, it made me upset. I respected their boundary–of course–but the catastrophic centric part of me saw it as rejection and added more ammo to my stun gun of things I’m horrible at. I cried last night, driving home from an event. I cried in the car. I cried because I wanted to die because the feeling of rejection–which I was kind of blowing out of proportion–made me feel so misunderstood and that I could never have sustainable interactions/relationships with people.I had to yell at myself that I cannot give up. I still have a life worth living. It’s just so painful sometimes, especially when the real honest conversations I have with people are so few and far between.

my therapist tells me that I seek attunement from the outside world since I never received it as a child. I also tried to speak up numerous times about my wants, needs and the abuse I was suffering but was always met with apathy or pathologization of some imaginary disease. So, when someone listens to me…really listens to me. The way Martin Buber describes as an “I-Thou” experience…well it’s just amazing and I cling to it. I had this experience I believe with my crush and they attuned to me. They saw past the persona I have that makes engaging easier and they met me word for word with everything I said…They saw me in all my texture, color and depth. I see people all the time as their full nuanced selves, but rarely do I feel a mutual exchange. I blame it on being too concerned about others, too attentive to detail and too empathetic….too much

But I will always be too much. I hate mundane and shallow. I have a deep curiosity about people and their interests. Its in my nature or conditioned behavior at least. If I give them enough attention, wont they reciprocate? Maybe. I also just don’t like seeing suffering. It hurts. Life is pain and I want to stop everyone’s suffering. It’s a desperate attempt at making up for the fact that no one helped me when I suffered.

I still feel like shit today. I logged off of facebook, instagram and snapchat. I was feeling too overstimulated by social media. I hope this gives me some serenity. Some clarity. When I’m delving into a more anxious, depressed state, I cling to horoscopes, tarot card readings and angel numbers as a way to make decisions and dictate my day. It’s horrid really that I’ll get the superstitious. I’m taking a break from that spiritual nutterbutter as well. I just need to be in this moment, even if it hurts.

I just wish my body didn’t hurt so much from the emotional whiplash.

 

 

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