Have you ever had one of those days when everyone you communicate with seems like a hostile takeover? Maybe I am just ubersensitive but today is one of those days Im clinging to my silence as a shield.
I feel like Im grieving. I dont know for who or what. Probably my mother. Last therapy session I finally shared the horrible things my mom survived growing up. She used to tell me nearly everyday about being molested by neighbors and family alike or fighting off kidnappers. Since I was about 7 years old, this was her constant conversation with me. I carried these memories and painful images with me for my whole life. Even though I never experienced those events, I inherited the emotions and trauma that came with it. My mother is astonishing. Considering what she survived, she is astonishing. But she still needs to be better at her boundaries. The emotional scarring was a huge burden for me as a child. I was so anxious about the horrible world I lived in since my mother told me everyday about the horrors she experienced. It is exhausting.
I am not responsible for my mothers emotions, memories, or experience and as a parent she needed to a better job treating me like a child rather than her confidant. She’s definitely one of the main contributors of my codependent behaviors. But I forgive her. Her coping mechanisms have kept her going this far. I wish she recovered better.