would be how people describe my vagina.
Ok just had to get that line out of my head.
Today was surprisingly productive considering the malaise I’ve been soaking in the last couple of days. However, as I did not get more than 4 hours of sleep last night due to an unannounced party at my house (which I hid my room the whole time since I didnt want to play with others) my body is incredibly jumpy today. When I don’t sleep well my PTSD symptoms get exasperated. I can’t think of anything without thinking about the monster who raped me. Everything reminds me of it. Or I jump at the sounds of cars beeping or just footsteps in the house because I’m on high alert. Overstimulated. It’s not like I was triggered as much as I didn’t rest my brain which is taking it out on my body. And my memories…
Let me explain flashbacks. Or at least memory whiplash. You’re standing in a room and you suddenly smell something you can’t identify–yet it’s familiar. Or some other sense is stimulated (taste, touch, smell, noise etc.). You don’t identify it (since you buried it down in your (sub)conscious, but your subconscious remembers it haha) but suddenly you don’t see in front of you whatever you’re doing. Instead you eyes drift away as you’re brain replays the exact moment and experience and physical reaction to that stimuli. We call this stimuli a trigger.
Anyways, it’s shit and if you’re whole day is spent being berated by images or sensations that you thought you didn’t have to experience again—but surprise, you do–then you lose functionality.
I will say today I did some organizing(paid!) and it really got me out of my hopeless, obsessive, mourning cryogenic state. I am thankful that I respond so well to accomplishing tasks. That having a task, a job, a thing to do that can be definitely marked off as done really aids in keeping me bright and shiny like the rest of the people I know. Work is a great distraction. Only if it’s the right kind of work…duh
Oh this banal world we live in. I need to stop obsessing over meaning and existence, it’s making me nauseous.
I’m practicing nighttime affirmations to help me sleep. I think it’s beneficial, at least for now. I’ll share this one with you:
I also just repeat “I am sleepy. I am sleepy. “over and over. It’s better than letting my brain get hijacked by idle anxiety.
Here’s to a productive Monday.