Hiding behind prescriptions

I just learned today that Lorazepam  is the clinical(?) name for Ativan.

I know what Ativan is.

I know what Lorazepam  is.

I was treated regularly with Lorazepam…except it was never strong enough. Never lasted long enough…which is why Klonopin became my go to. But I didn’t realize there one and the same. That Ativan is the brand name.

But for some reason I thought Lorazepam was just another sleeping pill. Not apart of the benzos–not for treating psych symptoms. Now I feel somehow violated. Gross. Wrong. Just more sickly. Like more drugs were thrown at me and they didn’t stick and it was just a more malicious treatment plan that never solved anything when I was younger. It was like, oh lets try this one sedative–oh that doesn’t work, lets try something stronger. Oh that doesn’t work, lets increase the dosage…

how horrible is that my childhood psychiatrist kept upping the dosage of a medication that’s connotation is calming down the crazy. Like instead of teaching me how to deal with my anxiety, I was just served a platter of medications till something knocked me out. It makes me feel out of control of my body, my experience, and with no authority over my life.

I just want to throw up. I know it was all to help me, but putting a band aid on a wound that needs to be explored and then cleaned and then stitched back together never solves the problem.

I believe in medications working with therapy and a healthy environment. I believe that you can’t just rely on one or the other. I mean it depends on the person of course…but god damn,I feel robbed. Horribly robbed….sleepless nights, sedated days, incoherent conversations, blinded actions–all because no one guided me through healing my anxiety/depression/trauma.





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