when I feel lonely and rejected and just plainly bored I try to find a way to entertain myself by prodding through the hazy horizon we know as online dating.
Which is a horrible, disastrous way to deal with my real, underlying needs.
Rather than talking to a friend or reading something interesting, I must go and find people I find attractive and quickly prove to myself how much they dislike me or cannot handle me.
I have issues
just look at this graph regarding my attachment related anxiety and avoidance:
Not only do I fear people getting to know the “real me” but I actual avoid getting to know people– since I fear they wont like me. Once I’m attached to someone I fear they will leave me. Once I’m attached to someone I’m insecure about their abilities to be reliable and trustworthy.
Perusing the murky waters of online/app dating is practically self harm. A few twists of self loathing here, a dash of rejection. A hint of inferiority. Lots of rationalizations and hopelessness. Some worthlessness for garnish. Online dating is a catastrophic sequence of events that involves me trying desperately to be genuine and get to know someone and yet overwhelming a person or annoying them or being too honest or managing to miscommunicate something in general.
Let’s just say it’s hard for me to interact online…
I don’t have time for facades and that small talk charade. I try so hard to play along but it never works. It’s like I never learned how to speak small talk.
There’s a part of me that is comfortable with rejection. That subscribes to that narrative. As I’ve never had a successful romantic relationship before, I only believe in my failures–it’s my empirical proof. Yet as a hopeful romantic I still pine for those Disney approved fairy tale endings that I was forced fed throughout childhood.
I hate it when I go through my day and cant share my thoughts and feelings with someone who wants to listen and reciprocate. Its how I process everything…but I dont have that person in my life. Not really.
I am going to see if I can avoid online dating and apps for maybe the rest of 2016. I really think it just makes me miserable.
Let’s see how this goes.