I never smoke

But last night I took a hit or two off my roommate’s joint. I’ve only have gotten toked up once or twice before….and just barely a hit

But last night I threw out my rulebook. I decided to take advantage of a seemingly benign opportunity. I was feeling uninhibited, relaxed and daring but then I inhaled and I could feel my head falling off its hinges. I never purposefully try to disassociate or cause myself to feel unreal–and yet this bud was making me all horribly slow and confused. Not relaxed, not hazy. Not happy.

I used to abuse my sleeping meds and benzos. I say abuse because I knew that they made me trip out or pass out. But I stopped all that after surviving my second overdose-suicide attempt.

I don’t drink too much either as it makes me panic.

Substances are no longer having the desired effect on me. Rather they exasperate my condition.  I would love to be a person who can tune out or enjoy the world with the mere digestion of a pill.

I’ve done ecstasy. I’ve done coke…

Recreational drugs have never made me feel like I’m enjoying the world in higher definition.

Rather it’s just me holding my breath to see what will come next.

I only really get high with experiences.

Riding my horse. Kissing someone. Beautiful words. Moments of connection.

The feeling of sunshine on my shoulders and not being ashamed of my body.

Witty banter.

Amazing food combinations and flavor dancing on my palette.

I think I’m going to try really hard to go stimulant/substance free. I don’t need alcohol or drugs. I might be dependent on caffeine.I need to give up the things that make me feel horrid. Why waste my time, energy and attention on something that reminds me of how bleak my tangible perception of reality may be. I don’t need another excuse to feel paranoid or disassociated or flimsy or…

I don’t need to experience these things voluntarily that I have to withstand regularly as a person with overstimulated nerves and a tendency to make everything psychosomatic.

I need to do what’s best for me and my body. It’s like I’m a delicate eco system, relearning how to coexist with the world. I don’t need stimulants to feel human…or non human.








Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s