I did some major EMDR and somatic work this past week on my history with food. It appears to be a global issue. Eating, meals and food while growing up is super interconnected with a lot of social dynamics in our dysfunctional household.
The minute my therapist asks me to think back to a memory with food deprivation , my mind quickly jumps from one memory to the next.
- I begged some girls at camp for a piece of candy. And they let me eat the ones threw through on the ground.
- Being molested at the restaurant with my extended family.
- crying for my parents to intervene but they didn’t because they were too busy socializing.
- My dad berating me for getting food that I couldn’t finish
- My mom eating my leftover birthday cake
- Brother yelling at me that I’m fat.
- If Brother didn’t get what he want, he hurt me or Baby.
And just more…fortunately since the therapy sessions these memories are less harsh. They still exist in my mind’s eye but they don’t play so vividly or throw me back to a place where I’m not longer present.
What is interesting is what happened after the EMDR session. After reprocessing those memories and associated feelings, I felt so relieved and guilt free. Able to eat and do and have whatever I want and need.
My world smelt familiar. Like childhood. Cotton, fresh cut grass. Sunlight. Chicken soup. I was smelling these things from memory.
I could feel my 6 year old self reveling in delight at the life I have built for myself. She’s so proud of me. I’m living a life that as a kid I could only dream about. I have finally found a sublime living situation, I am suporting myself with my passion, and I have had amazing experiences.
“Inner Child – Me” doesn’t need to feel so scared and guilty and worried. Especially when it comes to food. Since I’m providing for myself now. Having sovereignty is what allows me to be comfortable and functional.
I don’t owe anyone anything. I can do whatever I want. That’s the joy of being an adult.
It’s so strange to marvel at everything with the sweet excitement and naïveté of a child. For at least a little while. Yes, I have experienced tremendous, dire, destitute circumstances. But I’m still here. And I made a life for myself that I’m actually happy with.