Turned off

It’s weird how it seemed just maybe a week ago I was madly romantic and severely in love with everything that crossed my path.

Sometimes I find myself feeling asexual and aromantic. But not as a state of being and rather as a defense mechanism. Like maybe I’m tired of trying and failing at relationships and interactions so finally my libido is shutting down and catching up with reality.

About two months ago I made peace with this truth: I am unable to orgasm.

It was a relief to finally acknowledge this truth. I know that partly my biochemistry and medicated being is to blame but I can’t orgasm mostly because of my sexual trauma. I’ve had great sex before. But I’ve never experienced that earth shattering moment of ecstasy that everyone tells me I’m supposed to feel. And ever since recognizing this truth about my body and self, I’ve felt a lot less desperate to connect with people–mainly because I’m not chasing that “big O”.

My psychiatrist tells me that being on antidepressents since I was in kindergarten could be a genuine source of anorgasmia, yet sexual trauma and the somatic work involved is much more potent that SSRIs…

I finally feel less internalized misogyny towards my body and self…and working through the traumatic memories definitely eases the pain.

Yet….

I fear that there is something wr0ng with me and I will never be able to participate in being a fully engaged human being with full access to my sexuality.

But maybe its just about timing and waiting for the right person…or something.

 

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