how can I simultaneously believe in love and believe its a fallacy

a coup de tat of the heart mastered by the capitalist regime we call society.

how can I believe that I deserve joy and understanding–feelings of belonging and affection and than moments later feel so wholly, devoutly untouchable. Inhuman.

Malnourished and bent beyond repair as if I can only see but not touch what I truly crave. I’m dying of an infection and the antibiotics can cure me but no one will prescribe me what I truly need.

You make me want to sink the bottom of my self loathing and cover myself in spider bites, only subsisting on sour milk and melancholy.

You make me want to sing songs about getting married in church and pick flowers covered in sunbeams.

You make me rancid. Retched. Distracted and overbearingly ill.

the funny thing is…I know I don’t even love you in that romantic way. The way I conditioned myself to believe. I just keep leaning on that fantasy, that story I kindled in my head to comfort me when I stumbled on black ice. And to see you and know that you are one my people. A person that I can hold onto in this dimension and next….well then, it just makes it all the more difficult to stop loving you. Be it if my love for you has morphed from amorous to platonic.




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