or just fantasy?
how can I possibly be feeling so complete? physically and emotionally? My body carving out a new existence in the folds of a lover I never thought could be real. Could only be imagined.
I believe in the power of manifestation. And working through my issues. And I’ve been really trying. Really declaring my intentions out loud to the universe and working on my insecurities and personal history that has– until recently– forsaken me to a life of cynicism and isolation….
Last week in therapy I made a big break through. Besides working through some troubling images from bullying, turning down the volume on such harsh words in my head and the meanness of my fellow classmates, I had this deeply internalized sense of burden and responsibility for why I was bullied and miserable and treated like shit.
I felt responsible for being “bipolar”. For being a unwell child. For being too much. And crazy and emotional and needing management and medication.
But the thing is…I was having totally normal reactions to totally horrid situations.
Yet I was made to feel that it was my fault things were so bad. Even though I had a child psychiatrist, semi attentive parents(that’s a lie), and was in a class of 30 people–I was written off as disturbed. Not as the target of malicious bullying but the poor girl with the mood disorder.
And to be defined by a prescription, by a diagnosis, by a label, by a word, by one doctor’s opinion for the near entirety of my life has caused me to feel defeated and unable to truly be me.
Fortunately EMDR therapy has helped a lot.
My mom used to get so upset at me for screaming or crying. Which I would do in a response to her screaming at me. Or my brother attacking me. Or, or, or…
I did everything right too. I went out for basketball and soccer. I went to school every day. I did everything I could to not be the target of a witch hunt. And yet I was….A pariah for life.
But as of the last 24 hours I can gleefully announce that Ive been spending some time (3 dates to be exact, but I’m not one for conventions) with a person who makes me feel like–
honey drizzled on butter
the sweet relief of breathing with your whole body
the ability to speak with just your heartbeat.
I never thought I could feel so much joy and safety at once.
How beautiful and strange.
Here’s to the moments of awe and affection.