happiness is a curse

I have this fear that I cant be productive when I’m enjoying life.

That I become complacent and lazy. As well as too relaxed to do anything.

Like how can I really fight for change or create something meaningful if I’m enjoying everything?

I mean I still have anxieties and fears.

But I’m not incessantly miserable or heartbroken and I feel like it’s affecting my creativity and work ethic.

I also cant believe that everything in my life can be functioning in order for me to accomplish anything? Like in order for me to be doing well in work I must be failing in relationships.

Or vice versa.

Nothing can be complete. If it’s complete, how will I keep moving forward?

Yes I am enjoying such beautiful moments. Yes I am grateful for these sensations of stellar celebration. I feel so lucky to finally experience such love and happiness…


but I need to remain pragmatic. I need to pay my bills. I need to cover my expenses.

I cant just live a life of happiness….or can I?


Right now I’m borrowing money…I’m not making enough on my own to cover my own expenses. And that’s really frustrating. I dont let myself obsess over finances but still I cant sustain myself like this.


what to do…

I’ve tasted happiness, how can I turn back?


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