disturbing dreams

CW: description of sex, abuse and assault

I had a disturbing dream last night.
One that falls into the pattern of disturbing dreams I’ve been having on and off for a while.

I categorize it as disturbing because of who was in the dream.

My mother.
As well as a former classmate.

I witnessed–in my dream–my mother sexually assault one of my classmates through anal sex.

I watched as my classmates, maybe 13/14 years old in this dream, freak out over my mom’s actions.
I tried to explain to her what she did was wrong.
And the victim of the assault understood that my mom assaulted her because my mom suffered sexual abuse herself….

as if her own history excused her from the abuse she inflicted on others.

I have this image in my head from the dream last night.

Two butt cheeks spread out…an anus and my mom’s fingers digging themselves in.

It reminds me of a dream I had about a year ago that greatly disturbed me…to the point I was having trouble concentrating.

It was a dream where I consented to sex with my dad. And enjoyed it?
There was this weird like, “oh this is appropriate lets have sex together” attitude…

I’ve only had explicity sexual dreams, ones vivd with somatic feeling inside that dream, since being raped.

It’s as though my brain is permanetly shaped by what happened. And it’s connecting all these other beliefs, experiences and memories to this giant wound.

I had a lot of dreams/nightmares following my rape with images of people digging at my vagina. Their fingers probing me. Their hands searching my insides for their property…

They were scary dreams.

I try not to read too much into it…but my subconscious has a very graphic way of working through things…

so much so that I’m scared by what lies underneath everything…
all those neural channels and pathways…who I am on a molecular level.

Sometimes I fear that I crave to be violated…since I keep dreaming it over and over again.

But it’s just me trying to change the narrative. Fight for a sexuality free of violence.
Try to find my pleasure in something I’ve only experienced as pain.

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