You keep flip flopping

Like a coin toss. Or a fish gasping for air. Your passion ebbs and flows. You are seized by a moment and the next you’re detached from all zeal.
And yet you say you want kids.

Even after telling me that you didn’t want kids. That you would come with me to get an abortion if it came down to it.

.but now your urge to reproduce is pouncing us like a feral cat. If this is love, won’t you respect my choice to be child free?

Of course I wonder about kids…but the more I seriously consider…the more my heart lurches from my chest and I find myself clinging to  sanity.I’m 8 years old. Powerless as mother threatens to kill herself. Worthless as father tells me what a burden I am. Nothing as brother violates me.

I saw mother threatento kill herself when she was pregnant with another boy. She feared baby would be like brother–cruel and heinous. 

I can’t sacrifice my identity, my fragile understanding of boundaries and self care just so you can play parent.

Ive just started to live for the first time without parenting or rescuing anyone.

I’m finally living for me.

I don’t want my life to be reduced to child care, parent teacher conferences and worrying if my child will cause more harm than good to this horrid world.
Why bring a child into this world? Why give up who I am so some offspring can succeed? Survival?? Hardly. The world has plenty of humans. 
I can’t repeat  childhood.Which was really me parenting my parents.

It’s not fair to bring a child into a family that will resent them.
My anxiety will be astronomical. My thoughts will no longer be my own. I will have to surrender myself to that child.
And I can’t do that for the rest of my life.

.I am destined for something greater than motherhood.

I will create something extraordinary. Something that I will love and live for.
And it won’t be a child.  


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